Ten Years Later: An Anniversary Post About Jealousy

When we first got married, I was jealous of the amount of time Jason spent at the baseball field.

He grew up playing sports, went to college on a baseball scholarship, and then helped coach a summer high-school team. It was the same amount of time he spent there BEFORE we were married, but I somehow felt I deserved more attention now.

Of course he always invited me to come along while he coached or practiced, but I was newly pregnant and incredibly sick. Before long I decided I preferred to vomit in my own bathroom instead of losing my lunch in front of his friends.

I remained jealous for several years.

We had more children and they grew old enough to play baseball. Suddenly I was faced with a three-to-four-nights-a-week schedule of practices and games. I became overwhelmed by frustration because, honestly, with a newborn and two or three other toddlers, a crowded baseball field is a great place to lose your mind or lose a kid, whichever comes first.

I tried to attend the games and support the ones playing, but between tired or sick babies, I was primarily confined to the house. I’d kiss Jason and the oldest two goodbye, while feeding the little ones their supper. Then I’d bathe the babies, change their diapers, wash mountains of dishes, and put the kids to bed….. all alone.

I fixated on how “unappreciated” I was.

I allowed “a root of bitterness”(Hebrews 12:15) to grow and entangle me with envy and anger. Yes, anger. I was incredibly angry underneath the surface because I felt that my needs were unseen and unheard. It’s easier for me to understand and name it now, but the deepest root of my issue was fear.

I was afraid.

In the deep, secret places of my soul I was terrified that I was not the first love of Jason’s life, but that there was another. Not a person, but a thing. An intangible theme that stole my husband from me time and again until the refrain of my soul was, “He loves baseball more than you”. The long hours he spent there became absolute proof of his passionate relationship with this entity.

But I was looking at the equation all wrong.

Have you ever completed a math problem, and gotten an incorrect answer? Slowly, you pore over the numbers only to realize with surprise that you added the numbers instead of subtracted, or you divided when you should have multiplied.

My equation was upside-down from the start. It saddens me that it took years for this ideology to sink down into my heart and dissolve my fear and anxiety, but ever so slowly, I’m learning the truth about our marriage. Here are a few facts I’ve learned over the past ten years of marriage. They help me banish jealousy and invoke a more positive attitude when I’m tempted to rest in fear.

My husband is dedicated and responsible.

Jason follows through on his commitments. He is one of those rare people in this day and age that will tell you one thing, and then do what he says. As a man of his word, he keeps his promises, regardless of personal discomfort. 

He’s well respected.

Jason doesn’t talk about himself very much. He doesn’t boast or brag. In fact he prefers to help backstage rather than take the limelight, but stories of his efforts still reach my ears. My husband oversees construction of certain projects on the Army Base nearby. Over the last several years he has now begun taking the lead position on these projects because of his track record of responsibility. He also helps coach youth sports, is an elder at our church, watches our kids in the nursery, and fills many other roles. His work ethic and responsible attitude are what I rely on every day, and I respect him so, so much.

He’s passionate and incredibly intelligent.

If you want to hear my strong, silent husband suddenly talk your ears off, ask him about hunting, sports, or building a chicken incubator. He is passionate about his hobbies, and loves to research a cheaper, better, or more efficient way to do something. After he finished building his third chicken incubator, (complete with a thermo-regulator, cooling fan, insulated core, and a glass window so we can watch the chicks hatch) I told him he was going to be taking over science class with the kids from now on. While I linger on the creative side of the registrar, he’s definitely blessed with a “logical-process” mind so we balance each other nicely.

He’s a great listener.

My husband actually listens to what I say. (Unless it’s eleven o’clock at night in which case he interrupts my monologue on school curriculum with a snore) He also remembers my preferences, and sometimes buys me presents months after I’ve mentioned them (new curtains, a crock-pot, and a can opener to name a few).

He also hears my heart’s desires, and gives great advice when I need help on a decision. This guy is really insightful and will pinpoint my problem, sometimes before I’m ready to be done talking about! I need to be a better listener like he is.

My husband is patient and kind.

In the Bible, sometimes the word “patient” is translated, “long-suffering”. Jason is “long-suffering” with me. He’s cooked dinner or brought home food many times when I’ve been in the vomiting phase of my pregnancies. Sometimes he’ll do it  when I’m tired and don’t feel like cooking. He’ll explain things again or text me reminders when I ask without getting frustrated. This man knows that my brain is so full of kids, doctor appointments, and laundry that it just drops information.  Even then, he’s still so patient with me.

He’s supportive.

For a stay-at-home-mother of six children, I actually have a lot of hobbies. I play piano for church, paint, read, write blog posts, write and record music, and have coffee out with friends regularly. I’ve actually had three “girls’ weekends” away with friends and sisters in the past few months. All of this, of course, is only possible because of my sweet husband. When I need a break, he’s there. If I pursue something the Lord has laid on my heart, Jason’s behind me. When I want to give to a cause, or donate time, or reach out to others in need, my husband steps in. I’m so grateful that he doesn’t suffocate my talents and passions; instead he supports them because we’re a team.

And now we come to the last truth I’ve experienced. It sheds light on all the other facts, and makes my equation come out right every time. The truth bomb that still rocks my soul is this:

My husband loves me.

This man held the pieces of my soul and kept me from falling apart when our first baby had to stay in the NICU for a week. He was pretty much the full-time caregiver of our two boys when I was interning and writing papers while trying to finish my degree. He calls me beautiful even when I haven’t showered or put on makeup. Even road trips with six children are enjoyable when Jason goes because we spend the whole time talking and teasing each other. He’ll make me laugh so hard with his quick wit and corny jokes that I sound like a chicken cackling. He’s my best friend and knows me inside and out. He keeps my heart for me, and I keep his.

So ten years into marriage, I’ve learned this. Negativity is easy to grow and hard to get rid of.

It’s like a canker sore on your lip that bothers you constantly. But it’s not the only crop that can develop in the garden of my soul.

Matthew 13:3-9 tells the story of a sower who went out to sow seeds. Some seeds fell by the wayside, some among stony soil, some among thorns and some on good soil. Now the seeds that fell in bad soil withered and died, but the seeds that fell on good, rich, dirt sprang up and began to thrive. They then produced a crop that was thirty, sixty, and even one-hundred times as much as was sown.

This parable that Jesus taught was about the Word of God and how we receive it, but the illustration of growth can be applied to almost any situation.

If I plant harsh words and anger in my marriage, I’ll end up with a bumper crop of frustration, anxiety, and jealousy. But if I plant seeds of love, joy, and faithfulness, I’ll be cultivating kindness and reaping an incredibly bountiful harvest of the peaceable fruit of righteousness.(Hebrews 12:11)

Now, when I feel negative thoughts creeping into my heart, I try to pull those nasty weeds out before they have a chance to grow. I do this by reminding myself of how much my husband loves me, and all the good things he’s done for me in the past day or week. This thought process helps me to rest in thankfulness, not bitterness. It’s definitely difficult in the moment, but always worth it.

So am I jealous anymore?

Well, not really. I’m beginning to understand that Jason has been called to influence young people for the Lord in the area of sports. God has given him a position in our community that allows him to shine the light of Jesus into the world. I kept trying to put my husband under a basket, but God had called him to be a lamp on a lamp-stand. (Matthew 5:15)

So here we are, ten years in and loving each other more than I ever thought possible. It’s my joy to say, the grace of God has brought us this far and will continue to do so, because the mercy of the Lord never runs dry. It’s been an amazing ride.

I love you babe, Happy 10^th Anniversary.

Take a moment:

Meditate on your usual response to your spouse in your marriage. Are you planting good seeds or bad ones? Read Matthew 13:3-9 and write down some of the negative thought patterns or behaviors you have been planting. Opposite them, write down the positive seeds you’d like to begin cultivating and ask the Lord His help in growing a good crop that will reap liberal rewards.

Take a second and listen to Bethel Music and Stephanie Gretzinger sing “Pieces” (c. Bethel Music) and become overwhelmed by how much the FATHER loves us.