Seasons of Winter

I’m sick.

I’ve been sick for weeks now and I don’t feel better, I feel worse.

It’s the change of seasons for me, and this is the season of pregnancy.

Pregnancy is like winter to me.

Like the endless winter of Narnia, with no Christmas. Ever.

Oh, after a few months of winter (aka pregnancy) I can begin to see that spring will eventually arrive. I see traces that Aslan is on the move as the snow melts, and the crocuses begin to bloom. (if you’ve never read The Chronicles of Narnia by C.S. Lewis, go do it now! It’s awesome!)

But right now it’s winter, winter, and more winter as I hover near the cold porcelain throne, drag myself lethargically out of bed, or drape myself lengthwise on our worn gray couch.

And my house…I don’t even want to talk about it right now. Let’s just say that my hospitality meter has dipped to a negative 5, and the Cheerio shrapnel on the floor is multiplying faster than the dust bunnies under my bed.

But a most unexpected emotion has come to sit beside me in my misery.

Gratitude.

In previous years, another pregnancy would have sent me into a tailspin, struggling to find balance, with a bit of, “Why now, God?” thrown in for good measure.

But from the moment two faint lines appeared on the latest pregnancy test, I’ve been overwhelmed with gratitude.

Gratitude for a God who gives abundant blessings.

Grateful that He has entrusted to me the beauty of another precious life to cherish and love.

I’m thankful that the Lord has always been with me, and that the hard places of life only serve to entrench my feet ever more firmly in His goodness and faithfulness.

I think of Psalm 23:5-6 and how it expresses such trust in the Lord:

“You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies; You anoint my head with oil; My cup runs over. Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life; And I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.”

Now I won’t lie and say that my gratitude has suddenly buoyed my energy level, and that my nausea disappeared. That would have been nice, but it’s not what happened.

The kids definitely didn’t become angel children overnight.

In fact, I’m pretty sure they’ve taken advantage of my semi-permanent position on the couch to raid the snack larder, watch movies day or night, and use toilet paper as confetti.

Homeschooling ends at 1pm regardless of how much school we’ve accomplished because I’m Cinderella’s coach-turned-squashed-pumpkin after that magical hour.

But just as winter will eventually change into spring, this season is just that.

A season.

So in the chilly dimness, I will continue to cultivate seeds of gratitude.

I will look to Jesus to “be my strong refuge, to which I may resort continually.”(Psalm 71:3)

I vow to “go in the strength of the Lord God,”(Psalm 71:16a), choosing “the joy of the Lord to be my strength,” (Nehemiah 8:10). Most of all, I will be thankful, so thankful for another little one to add to our mix.

I think that God uses our trek through wilderness seasons as much, if not more than He uses the seasons of the promised land.

If you are in a season of endless winter this verse has been my lifeline the past few months.

“And I will bring the third part through the fire, and will refine them as silver is refined, and will try them as gold is tried: they shall call on My name, and I will hear them: I will say, “It is my people:” and they shall say, “The Lord is my God.” Zechariah 13:9.

I don’t know about you, but I don’t want to remain selfish, internal, and stagnant in my relationship with God. I want to be open handed. Surrendered. I want to say “Not my will, but Yours God.”

So bring me through the fire God.

Refine me.

Try me.

Make me more like You.

To keep my heart balanced I’ve started a list of things I’m truly grateful for in this season. I’d love to hear something you’re thankful for too! Drop it in the comments and brighten my day! And most importantly, remember how much JESUS LOVES YOU!!!!! I am SOOOO THANKFUL for His mercies that are new every morning!

I’m thankful for:

• My husband. He’s the best. Over the past few weeks he’s been fixing the kids supper, (Pizza anyone????) folding the laundry, doing baths, bedtime, and catering to my sick self. He’s picked up all my slack and more. I love him so much. Literally so much.
• Pregnancy nausea medications…..the only way I’m semi-functioning right now.
• Eggs and hamburgers. I eat variations of these two things Every Day. Who knows why they help, but I’m not going to complain! I’m just grateful I’ve got something that stays down!
• Nap time. Oh bless the Lord for nap time!
• The new bible study journal I started just as I began my pregnancy. It’s called, “100 Days Of Less Hustle, More Jesus, A Devotional Journal” by Shanna Noel. As you can guess, there ain’t NO hustle happening in my house right now, but it’s helping to transition my mornings into a “Jesus First” mentality. (here’s the Amazon link to purchase it if you need something new as well)
• Worship music! I’ve been listening to Brandon Lake’s new song with Bethel Music called “Gratitude”. It’s been on repeat lately and when I feel really horrible, I play it, and it helps remind me how good God is and how thankful I truly am to Him.