It’s not so bad really.
Chicken salad with an avocado mayonnaise and a sprinkle of cilantro.
Golden squash stir-fried in olive oil and garlic.
Juicy, vine-ripened tomatoes still warm from the sun.
It’s not so bad unless you consider all the things I CAN’T indulge in now.
Bread, corn, pasta, potatoes, wheat, crackers, oatmeal, grains, beans, sugar, most fruit, juice, butter, cheese, milk, and yogurt. But it’s not just the visible items….like, corn on the cob. Read the labels of any packaged food and you’ll find things like dextrose, corn syrup, natural flavors, or one of the more obscure references, “MAY contain wheat/milk.”
Now I am not on a diet. No way. I love food. In fact, after a hard pregnancy where I couldn’t eat any of the above items, I was excited to overdose on all the desserts, breads, and those warm, crispy, chips-n-salsa that the local Mexican restaurants provide so freely. I mean, TAKE MY MONEY PEOPLE, I want to EAT!!!!!
But.
Three weeks into breastfeeding my newest little guy, I noticed something familiar.
A light rash was spreading across his sweet face. He squirmed, grunted, and cried all the time. And TMI of course, but his diapers turned dark green and liquid, with a bright red rash from his constant acidic bowel movements. My fourth son had the same symptoms and was sensitive to dairy. So, I cut it out, and the problem was solved. But I’d been dairy free almost from day one out of a proactive precaution since I couldn’t eat dairy while pregnant. It was obviously something else.
And after trial and error, many tears (mine and his) pediatric appointments, and a referral to a pediatric GI specialist, I still don’t have any answers.
I have theories.
I have possibilities.
I have chaotic brain function that cycles all the “what-ifs’” delved up by Dr. Google and panics with each new wave.
I’ve had depression. Which is so weird to say because I haven’t battled that particular emotion much over my lifespan.
But I’ve been struggling to get out of bed. I’ve had moments when I feel like I’m underwater, unable to function, much less focus on the world around me. I’ve been pleased when friends had to cancel plans to hang out, because even though I crave the interaction, it also feels like…..too much.
It’s all too much.
Cutting out all these foods has helped my sweet little Lincoln though. His face has cleared up, his tummy seems at peace, and he’s happy and smiling.
It seems so crazy that a diet change is causing me so much upheaval in my life. Probably because it’s not just a diet change in which “Whoops, I fell off the wagon and had a piece of cake” doesn’t matter.
It’s taking a vitamin D supplement only to realize it has corn oil in it and staying awake for two nights with a crying infant who doesn’t understand why he hurts.
It’s having sweet friends suggest a change to formula but knowing that most brands of formula are created from dairy proteins. Or that a hypoallergenic formula’s top ingredient is corn syrup.
It’s letting my brain run years into the future and having a literal panicking meltdown over whether he will grow out of these sensitivities or be allergic to most foods forever.
So “having a hard time lately” doesn’t really describe my last few weeks.
But Jesus.
Oh my friends….Jesus.
He’s here, hanging onto me when I can’t hang onto Him.
And although I have no answers, here are the verses I’m reciting when I wake up, and when I go to sleep.
“Even to your old age and gray hairs I am He, I am He who will sustain you. I have made you and I will carry you; I will sustain you and I will rescue you.” Isaiah 46:4.
“Now may the God of HOPE fill you with all JOY and PEACE in believing, that you may abound in HOPE by the power of the HOLY SPIRIT.” Romans 15:13
“And we KNOW that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to HIS PURPOSE.” Romans 8:28
So, if you’re struggling to make sense of something, Jesus is here.
If you’ve been knocked to your knees by a diagnosis or possibility much worse than mine, Jesus is here.
If you’ve even contemplated ending your life because of the “too-muchness”, Jesus is here.
His faithfulness is more than enough for all our struggles.
“Surely He has borne our griefs and carried our sorrows….” Isaiah 53:4a
If you need prayer, please comment, or message me. I’m going to the throne a lot lately and I’d love to carry your requests to my compassionate Father.
